Keri Time

So I suppose I'll go first and post my musings for the week since no one else seems to be doing it hehe... Pastor Ed gave us the two options for Spiritual Classics this week and I really had no idea which I wanted to do. I ended up doing both. I read Thomas Merton first, The Gift of Contemplation, and found that I really didn't like it that much. I know it isn't supposed to be about how much you "like" it, but it didn't connect with me very well. Regardless of my personal opinion, God still used a part of it to speak to me.

Actually, when I did do my first reading this week.. I was feeling tired and drained, so I ended up writing a couple pages in my journal just getting things off my chest and trying to wrap my head around everything I needed to do with school and church stuff. The main thing that stood out for me was when he was talking about the one condition for having intimacy with God: "If you desire intimate union with God you must be willing to pay the price for it." And it goes on to talk about how it really isn't that big of a deal, except that we make it so. "We find it difficult to give up our desire for things that can never satisfy us.." And it is this that I struggle with so often. Sometimes I can be sitting there knowing that I need to do one thing, only to be drawn so strongly to something I already KNOW won't even make me that happy. And still I go back to these unimportant things again and again.. like a weak and imprisoned soul. But I'm not bound to this life, we aren't bound to it. I've been saved, and it makes me sad when I think of how much I hurt God by rejecting Him when I choose other things over Him.

"The fact remains that contemplation will not be given to those who willfully remain at a distance from God, who confine their interior life to a few routine exercises of piety and a few external acts of worship and service performed as a matter of duty." I can say it again and again.. I want to be in an intimate relationship with God, but if I don't wholly give myself to Him, it isn't going to happen. And I guess that relates to Mexico too. We have all this knowledge in our heads, and we know what we want to do and how we want to help and that its the "right and Christian" thing to do.. and we are. We're going to Mexico. We're going to teach English. We're going to show Love. And yet, when we come home.. we could feel good and feel like we've grown only to revert back to the ways of the worldly. Even as we're submerging ourselves in the work God is doing, we could still be remaining at a distance from God.. not fully giving ourselves over and opening ourselves to Him.

I do feel a little overwhelmed with Mexico right now. We have a little over a month to go, and it feels like there are just so many things left to do. I want to simplify things, to just sit and soak in His Word.. to prepare myself for what He wants me to do. And then I think, when will I ever be prepared? Never! When will I ever feel adequate or knowledgeable enough? Never!! It's a leap of faith, right? It's like Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.. when he has to take that leap of faith trusting that he won't fall into the chasm (he doesn't, by the way). And the only thing that can bring me comfort is knowing Christ is like that bridge Indiana Jones couldn't see.. and we just have to trust that He is there and believe it and know it and live it. Jesus. Jesus Christ.

Your Name is like honey on my lips,
Your spirit like water to my soul,
Your word is a lamp unto my feet,
Jesus, I love You... I love You.

And as I write this, I realize that Merton's writing did have much more to it than I'd first thought. God always does things like this. I think it gives me comfort. Experiencing over and over how God has intervened or allowed something to happen so that I could learn for myself what He wanted to tell me, it really does give me comfort. I know that He is there. I know that He cares. I know that He wants for me to grow. And I know that His plan for me is still unfolding. And I know that I'm not alone, even during those moments when Loneliness seems to be the only one sitting by me and keeping me company.

Since I've already blurbed a lot, I'll just pull some quotes from the other reading that stuck out to me. The reading was "Concerning the Our Father" by Simone Weil and it really touched on a few tender nerves in my heart as well with how I was feeling during the week, and how I'd neglected doing my devotions (especially this week):

"We are beings who continually draw our energy from outside, for as we receive it we use it up in effort. If our energy is not daily renewed, we become feeble and incapable of movement."

"The Our Father contains all possible petitions; we cannot conceive of any prayer not already contained in it. It is to prayer what Christ is to humanity. It is impossible to say it once through, giving the fullest possible attention to each word, without a change, infinitesimal perhaps but real, taking place in the soul."

And I'll end with that.
in Him,
ker